2023 Reflection

I somehow managed to make it to another year.  I cannot say whether this year was a good or bad one.  It was a year filled with a lot of firsts, so those were fun.  Despite everything I’m thankful for everything that has happened this year.  I’ve cried and laughed through the year but one thing for sure is that I have a better mind state walking into the new year. 

So let’s talk about the things I’ve learned this year: 

1. Resetting every night/day has made me feel better. 
2. There will never be enough time. Don’t matter if I wake up early or sleep late there will always be something that doesn’t get done. 
3. Grief will always be there and “time” doesn’t always heal. 

Highlights 

1. My baby’s first of EVERYTHING + hitting her milestones. 
2. Our family purchase. 
3. My first Mother’s Day. 🫶🏼
4. Posting again… blogs & vlogs. 
5. The LOVE everyone gives little Missy. 
6. Seeing my grandpa open his business.
7. Expanding new items in my shop.
8. Selling at two different storefronts. *
9. Seeing Rauw and Karol G in concert.
10. Serotonin of Disney. 

Thank you to everyone who has shown me so much love throughout my journey of motherhood, business-related, blog + vlog and honestly just being me.  Every year I think I always have it down, but there's always something that happens.  I'm nervous but excited to see what the new year brings. Happy New Year Friends and I hope everyone stays safe. 

Guilt of being a SAHM

Will I ever be good enough?

In less than a year my life has changed and honestly I don’t know whether it’s good or bad. 

I have a daughter now and she’s my whole life.  I would literally do anything for her but I don’t know what’s best for her.

In the summer of 2020, I was let go at my job because of covid and there not being enough funds.  At the time, Luis and I were already living together.  It was hard looking for a job back then because of covid.  I however, did have a job lined up for me but after discussing with my partner we decided it was best for me to not work during covid and just do me.  That same month I started my cups/tumbler business. I was doing cups and it was going decent.  However, since I was starting off it wasn’t money I could live off of.

My partner and I always communicated and he always told me that he would take care of me and he has.  Financially I couldn’t help much so it was all him.  It was so fucking weird and uncomfortable.  Besides my parents growing up I never relied on someone else.  It was weird not having my “own” money and not being able to pay for my own bills.  My partner started doing that for me and he has for the last 3 years.  At the beginning it was extremely hard.  We would go shopping for groceries or ourselves and I would “ask” if it was okay for me to buy something…yeah I know.  I was like that for a while because I was used to being “independent.” 

Eventually employment got better and  I did try looking for a job but was never successful.  We didn’t stressed because we were good.  I mean we still are.  I continued doing my cup business and I was doing pretty well, at some point I made more than my partner.  So I never continued looking for a job.  

Now fast forward to present day.  I’m a stay at home mom with my cup business on the side.  Business has unfortunately gone down A LOT.  My earrings are basically dead.  I absolutely love making them but I felt like it was a waste of time.  Hardly any sells and had no time for it, now that my daughter is here. My cup business is doing okay, business has gone down and I can no longer rely on it.  For the past couple of months I’ve debated whether this is what I want.  

Financially we’re doing well for me to continue being SAHM. 

Now let’s get into the root of my problem… 

With being a SAHM I feel this guilt.  I want to do what’s best for my family.  I have certain goals in life and I hope to one day achieve them. 

I have a bachelors degree that I have not put to use and it saddens me.  Part of me wants to go to work and wishes I would.  I have certain goals I want to achieve and I know I can with time, but I feel that if I join the workforce I could put my goals and plans on a faster track.  Moreover,  I look at my daughter and I want to buy her the world. Although, daddy already does. I want her to see that I can do it too.  That I am able to work and provide for our family as well.

However, that would mean leaving her behind and that also saddens me.  Knowing that I could miss a milestone, miss seeing her grow up, or have someone else raise her kills me.  Baby sitting and day care is crazy expensive and I really don’t trust anyone.  Our parents don’t have much time to take care of our little Missy and I don’t expect them too.  

I understand I’m fortunate to be a SAHM.  I’m extremely grateful for my partner to provide me with this opportunity.  I wake up to my lovebug every morning and spend my entire day with her.  And that alone is the best because I know I’m taking care of her and provide her with the best I possibly can under my care. 

So, yes… being a stay at home mom has brought up this guilt inside of me.  The battle of going to work and help provide for my family vs staying at home with my lovebug and raising her. Yes, I have talked to my partner and he’s expressed to me that being a SAHM is what’s best for our family. 

Personally, I just don’t feel good enough.  I just know I want what’s best for my family.  If it’s continuing to be a SAHM then so be it. 

xoxo, lizzypoo

grandma 🤍

My mental health is declining. 

I lost my grandma Leticia in December 2022.  It's been close to six months without her and to be completely honest, I don't know how I made it here.  I like to believe my daughter is saving me.  She's keeping me company and on my toes.  So, thankful and grateful for her.  I personally believe if it wasn't for her I would be worse than what I am now.

I lost what was my second mother figure and one of my biggest fans.  I wish you can understand.  I was so naive about her health.  I thought I had the rest of my life with her but I was mistaken.  I wish I would've had that last conversation with her.  You know the last one when one is on their last days?  I did talk to her on her last days, but nothing deep.  I never asked her to talk to me, because I believe I had so much time with her.  I wish I would've asked her for it.  I like to believe that the reason she didn't have the last conversation with me is because it was hard for her too... because maybe she knew and wanted to shield me from it.  I don't regret anything.

I loved her to the best of my ability.  I spent the most time I possibly could've.  I helped with whatever I could at that moment.  She was the best grandma.  She was the biggest support system.  My childhood was her.  I liked to believe she shaped me the way I am.  She didn't take anyone's shit and she never kept her mouth shut.  Yeah, I definitely got that from her, ha.  

She did get to meet my daughter in person.  She even told her nurses in the hospice that that was her great-granddaughter in her broken english.  I teared up a little that moment.  I just wished she would've carried her, so I could have that picture of them. 

Since her passing things have not been the same.  Nothing is the same.  No one is the same.  Walking into the house is so weird.  Plus, I don't like being in the house for long periods of times.   Every time I walked into the house, I always greeted her with "hola grandma" and she would answer "hola mi vida." And now? Nothing. 

The first year is always the hardest because it's the year of firsts.  However, it's also the fact knowing she's no longer here for me to talk to her or experience things with me.  I will never receive a Facebook message from her.  The day I get married she won’t be there.  Shes not here to teach my daughter her many talents.    She didn’t get to see my business be display in a store or any of my new earring collections.  She won’t be able to experience the many things that await for me and I won’t be able to talk to her about them. 

Truth is I will never be the same without her.  I miss her so much and everyday.  There’s not a single day that I don’t think about her.  I think about her daily and I’m so upset she hasn’t visited me in my dreams.  I miss her and I just she was here.  I mourned my grandma in the last six months and it hasn’t been easy, but how do I expect it to be easy when I had her in my life for 26 years.  I just know that for the rest of my life I’ll keep her memory alive.  She was and is a huge part of me and I’m going to tell my children about her. 

rest in peace my angel… la quiero mucho grandma 🤍