Will I ever be good enough?
In less than a year my life has changed and honestly I don’t know whether it’s good or bad.
I have a daughter now and she’s my whole life. I would literally do anything for her but I don’t know what’s best for her.
In the summer of 2020, I was let go at my job because of covid and there not being enough funds. At the time, Luis and I were already living together. It was hard looking for a job back then because of covid. I however, did have a job lined up for me but after discussing with my partner we decided it was best for me to not work during covid and just do me. That same month I started my cups/tumbler business. I was doing cups and it was going decent. However, since I was starting off it wasn’t money I could live off of.
My partner and I always communicated and he always told me that he would take care of me and he has. Financially I couldn’t help much so it was all him. It was so fucking weird and uncomfortable. Besides my parents growing up I never relied on someone else. It was weird not having my “own” money and not being able to pay for my own bills. My partner started doing that for me and he has for the last 3 years. At the beginning it was extremely hard. We would go shopping for groceries or ourselves and I would “ask” if it was okay for me to buy something…yeah I know. I was like that for a while because I was used to being “independent.”
Eventually employment got better and I did try looking for a job but was never successful. We didn’t stressed because we were good. I mean we still are. I continued doing my cup business and I was doing pretty well, at some point I made more than my partner. So I never continued looking for a job.
Now fast forward to present day. I’m a stay at home mom with my cup business on the side. Business has unfortunately gone down A LOT. My earrings are basically dead. I absolutely love making them but I felt like it was a waste of time. Hardly any sells and had no time for it, now that my daughter is here. My cup business is doing okay, business has gone down and I can no longer rely on it. For the past couple of months I’ve debated whether this is what I want.
Financially we’re doing well for me to continue being SAHM.
Now let’s get into the root of my problem…
With being a SAHM I feel this guilt. I want to do what’s best for my family. I have certain goals in life and I hope to one day achieve them.
I have a bachelors degree that I have not put to use and it saddens me. Part of me wants to go to work and wishes I would. I have certain goals I want to achieve and I know I can with time, but I feel that if I join the workforce I could put my goals and plans on a faster track. Moreover, I look at my daughter and I want to buy her the world. Although, daddy already does. I want her to see that I can do it too. That I am able to work and provide for our family as well.
However, that would mean leaving her behind and that also saddens me. Knowing that I could miss a milestone, miss seeing her grow up, or have someone else raise her kills me. Baby sitting and day care is crazy expensive and I really don’t trust anyone. Our parents don’t have much time to take care of our little Missy and I don’t expect them too.
I understand I’m fortunate to be a SAHM. I’m extremely grateful for my partner to provide me with this opportunity. I wake up to my lovebug every morning and spend my entire day with her. And that alone is the best because I know I’m taking care of her and provide her with the best I possibly can under my care.
So, yes… being a stay at home mom has brought up this guilt inside of me. The battle of going to work and help provide for my family vs staying at home with my lovebug and raising her. Yes, I have talked to my partner and he’s expressed to me that being a SAHM is what’s best for our family.
Personally, I just don’t feel good enough. I just know I want what’s best for my family. If it’s continuing to be a SAHM then so be it.
xoxo, lizzypoo
